Coaching on dealing with narcissism
Narcissism is a mental disorder. Narcissists are characterized by outsourcing the dirty work to the people around them. Because narcissists are in love with their own image, they do not recognize their own dark sides and are not in touch with their actual behavior.
Narcissists are very good at avoiding responsibility for their behavior and making you feel bad about yourself. This doesn’t bother the narcissist much; on the contrary, he is convinced that he is fighting for the “good cause.” Few narcissists seek treatment, and most leave a trail of destruction in their wake. The reason narcissists can be so damaging is that they can come across as so normal and make you feel in all kinds of ways that it is your fault.
Because their behavior can be so contradictory—a controlling tyrant at home, a charming gentleman or lady outside the home—you start to seriously doubt yourself. If you dare to express your doubts, you are often not believed. Precisely because narcissists have complete control over their behavior in the outside world, they know exactly how to appear normal. But that normality is just a hollow construct, with no real person inside. Read more on narcissism.
Recovering from (narcissistic) abuse
Have you experienced a destructive relationship? This could be with a partner, family member, friend, or colleague. Does that person show little to no self-awareness or empathy, and do they have multiple personalities? Do you recognize yourself in these warning signs?
- Doubting everything.
- Believing that you are hypersensitive.
- Saying “sorry” for everything.
- Low energy, drive, and focus.
- Difficulty sleeping and relaxing.
- Worrying excessively.
- Intense emotions.
- Feeling uncomfortable.
- Feeling of meaninglessness.
- Feeling of powerlessness.
- Distrustful of others.
- No longer knowing and trusting yourself.
A victim of narcissistic abuse may be overwhelmed by feelings of inferiority, loneliness, distrust, grief, shame, depression, self-hatred, powerlessness, fear, dependence, and anger;
and suffer from symptoms such as insomnia, constant alertness, self-reproach, walking on eggshells, psychosomatic complaints, panic attacks, setting extremely high standards for themselves, not daring to trust their intuition, and no longer knowing who they are and what they need. It often starts with signs such as doubting yourself, asking yourself, “Am I crazy?” and, for some people, feeling like you are always walking on eggshells, never being good enough, and never doing things right (enough).
Breaking off such a destructive relationship and maintaining your position of “no contact” is a huge challenge and demands a lot from you.
Important information for victims of (narcissistic) abuse
- You are innocent!
- Recognition: many victims encounter incomprehension and disbelief from those closest to them and from the professionals involved in helping them. This hinders your recovery. Recognition is therefore essential and can provide a sense of security.
- Psychoeducation: by delving into the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, you gain insight into the behavior of the “narcissist” and the impact that it has had on you. You learn to understand that it is logical that you feel the way you do right now. And where you always thought that everything was your fault, you can begin to understand that it was not your fault at all, because no matter what you do, it is never good enough.
Books I can recommend are both books by Iris Koops (“Herstellen van narcistische mishandeling” and “Je leven in eigen hand, verder na narcistische mishandeling”) as well as “As Long as He’s Happy” by Robin Norwood. - Embrace yourself, with everything you are and everything there is!
Breaking off and healing from narcissistic and destructive relationships
From my own experience and working with victims, I know that recovery is possible. Your strength is evident from the fact that you survived!
As a professional and expert by experience, I have been involved in various ways, and I increasingly sought collaboration with other experts by experience, government, and professionals. For example, I worked for quite some time with Stichting Zijweg and Stichting het Verdwenen Zelf and be able to participate in valuable projects and thus contribute to raising awareness of this issue and helping victims recover.
Recognition and exoneration of victims of emotional and psychological abuse is essential in the healing process.
I am curious to find out who you (really) are and what you want to achieve. Together, we will discover what you need to get there. If you want, I will stand by your side to explore this together and guide you. You are in control, but you don’t have to do it alone!
Dealing with narcissism
Challenges and goals I can support you with include:
- Communicating from a position of strength
- Building self-esteem
- Self-care
- Balancing/regulating emotions
- Dealing with anxiety and compulsions
- Increasing resilience and self-reliance
- Preparing for difficult conversations (e.g., with ex-partner, social workers involved, mediation, court hearing)
Free introductory meeting with no obligation
Seeking help in this situation can be difficult and stressful. I offer you the opportunity to get to know me in a relaxed setting. This can be done during a free, no-obligation half-hour consultation. During this consultation, you can get a feel for my energy, and we can discuss your needs and how I work. We will agree on the frequency of appointments in mutual consultation.