Narcissism is a mental disorder; it is pathological. Narcissists are characterized by outsourcing the dirty work to those around them. Because narcissists are in love with their own image, they do not recognize their own dark sides and are not in touch with their actual behavior. They draw their lifeblood from others and expect unconditional devotion in return. At the same time, they are captivated by their image and by everything they give, and are therefore impervious to reality.
Narcissists are very good at avoiding responsibility for their behavior and making you feel bad about yourself. This doesn’t bother the narcissist much; on the contrary, he is convinced that he is fighting for the “good cause.” As the victim, however, you can barely pull yourself together.
Few narcissists seek treatment, and most leave a trail of destruction in their wake. The reason narcissists can be so damaging is that they can appear so normal and make you feel that it is your fault in all kinds of ways. They are masters at deflecting blame, so that it never points back to them. Because their behavior can be so contradictory—a controlling tyrant at home, a charming gentleman or lady outside the home—you start to seriously doubt yourself. If you dare to express your doubts, you are often not believed. Precisely because narcissists have complete control over their behavior in the outside world, they know exactly how to appear normal. But that normality is just a hollow construct, with no real person inside.
Sources: verdwenenzelf.org and the workbook “Herstellen van narcistische mishandeling” by Iris Koops
Psychopathy
Psychopathy is a serious disorder of conscience. Your conscience is your inner guidance that supports your development in connection with others. In approximately one in twenty people, the light of their conscience is so weak that they are unable to develop inwardly. These people have little to offer in relationships and often cause great harm through deception, manipulation, and (psychological) violence.
The term “psychopathy” conjures up images of people who commit horrific crimes without any remorse. These extreme cases, which greatly disturb public opinion, are rare. Outside the context of these very serious crimes, the diagnosis is rarely made, even though it should be in order to protect victims. The everyday psychopath is actually even more dangerous because they are usually difficult to spot and can exert a destructive influence for years.
Wherever the text says “he,” it can also be read as “she.”
Source: Jan Storm’s webstek
Characteristics of narcissism
- A severely impaired ability to mentalize
- Believes that his perception is the only correct one, twists everything around and makes up accusations, and is convinced that they are true because that is how he sees or feels it.
- The victim is pushed into a submissive position, has to defend themselves, behave well, and do everything to make themselves feel better again.
- He does not accept boundaries being set, because he cannot imagine that this is necessary.
- Manipulative and uses others to achieve his goals
- Ignoring, intimidation, lying, not taking responsibility, gaslighting (creating confusion by making the victim doubt their own perceptions), and externalizing (making you the perpetrator).
Wherever the text says “he,” it can also be read as “she.”
Source: werkboek “Herstellen van narcistische mishandeling” by Iris Koops
Overt and covert narcissist
An overt narcissist will initially be able to act normally in society. They may come across as people with a slightly inflated sense of self, but this type of narcissist can easily demand attention from others because they often appear charming at first glance. Eventually, those around them realize that these individuals have little regard for the needs of others, and their behavior becomes disruptive to their environment.
An overt narcissist does not care what people think; he does what he wants and will never apologize. He thinks he is always right. An overt narcissist is very ostentatious: nice cars, nice houses, etc.
Hidden narcissists display just as much arrogance as overt narcissists, but do so in a much more subtle way. They are just as preoccupied with themselves as overt narcissists, but often constantly respond to other people’s expectations and are hypersensitive to other people’s opinions of them. They attach great importance to their reputation and to being liked and respected, and therefore go to great lengths to cover their tracks. As a result, hidden narcissists appear to be the cream of the crop, a wonderful spouse, mother or father, or great parents. However, they feel inferior to others and often try to reflect the greatness of others onto themselves. A hidden narcissist apologizes solely for the purpose of getting you to leave them alone, to calm you down. They have no empathy but learn how to pretend they do.
Wherever the text says “he,” it can also be read as “she.”
Sources: lifelessons.co and narcismegids.nl
Autism and narcissism
There appear to be significant similarities in observable behavior between people with autism and people with narcissism, such as a lack of empathy, an inability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, and a tendency to come across as quite selfish. Narcissists feel little or no empathy, but they are able to feign it, which is why they are so good at manipulation.
People with autism feel empathy, but have difficulty translating this into behavior towards others. People with autism need to learn social cues, as they have difficulty interpreting expressions or body language. They also have trouble assessing emotions. This lack of cognitive empathy can make them seem very blunt, but they do not deliberately play with other people’s perceptions (feelings, thoughts, etc.). They may be very aware of this, feel guilty about it, and even suffer from it.
Edited text from the book “Je leven in eigen hand – verder na narcistische mishandeling” by Iris Koops
NSS, complex PTSD, trauma bonding, and dissociation
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome – NVS) is a serious mental disorder that results from years of systematic abuse by one or more individuals with narcissistic personality disorder.
The symptoms of NVS manifest themselves in dependence, constant alertness, depression, dissociation, lack of energy and decisiveness, feelings of meaninglessness, lack of realism, apologizing for everything, disrupted emotional perception, doubting everything, hypersensitivity, paranoia, shame, guilt, psychosomatic complaints, confusion, distrust, and self-alienation.
Complexe PTSD is caused by chronic traumatization when people are trapped in an unsafe environment and can cause serious symptoms.
Traumabonding is an emotional addiction to the perpetrator as a result of the emotional turmoil of attraction and rejection within gaslighting.
Dissociation: when a client shows little or no emotion and recounts what happened in a matter-of-fact manner. He or she does not identify with the problem or situation.
Sources: verdwenenzelf.org and the workbook “Herstellen van narcistische mishandeling” by Iris Koops
Developing your true self
The development of your authentic self has been under pressure. The moment you realize that you can look at it differently can lead to a beautiful development. Often there is a low point, a kind of “rock bottom” feeling. After that, a strong inner drive can arise to want to get out of this situation. Along the way, you grab everything that comes your way to walk the path upward. On top of the mountain, in control of your own destiny, instead of in the swamp ‘down under’ with the narcissist. This strong inner drive to move upward can be so powerful that you are able to reach great heights in personal development, success, and even spiritual growth.
The chance that you will blossom into an inspiring soul is certainly there if you work diligently on your own healing and growth.
Inspired by: Jan Storms and Melanie Tonia Evans
