Coaching during complex divorce and/or parental alienation 

If you are going through a complex divorce, dealing with parental alienation, or being wrongfully accused of it, you find yourself in a nerve-wracking and energy-sapping situation, which unfortunately often lasts for years. In addition to the issues involved in a ‘normal’ divorce, such as housing, finances, court proceedings, and making agreements about the children, there can be so much more at stake. Coercive control (lies, reproaches, accusations, manipulation, gaslighting, humiliation, power games) continues at the expense of the children, in court, and through mediation and assistance programs provided by Youth Care and Youth Protection. You may also have to deal with stalking, theft, vandalism, and threats. Working on your own recovery is simply not possible (yet). It is more about how you deal with this and how you keep yourself going. Coaching during complex divorce and/or parental alienation helps. 

You are in survival mode and hope to find peace by organizing and fixing things, focusing on your children. In doing so, you simply forget to take care of yourself, even though that is so important. By creating moments to take your mind off things, you create peace of mind, which allows you to be there for your children and perhaps look at things differently and gain new insights. It also increases your resilience, which you desperately need to keep going! 

Expert in complex, destructive relationships 

From my own experience and working with victims, I know that it is possible to regain control and increase your resilience even in these complex situations. 

In addition, I am specialising in attachment-related dynamics and I am currently training as an attachment specialist according to the Loekemeijer Method. From this perspective, I view parental alienation not only as conflict-based behavior, but also through the lens of underlying attachment dynamics.

Where parental alienation occurs, there may in fact be attachment-related difficulties and emotional exclusivity. When, after a separation, the primary attachment figure leaves the relationship while the other partner experiences attachment drive and emotional exclusivity, a process of detachment may occur. This does not necessarily mean there was deep emotional bonding; often, the person mainly depended on the partner to meet practical, emotional, or psychological needs.

Detachment between partners can also take place during the relationship itself. In that case, the attachment drive may gradually shift toward one or more children.

The parent experiencing attachment drive in developmental phase 3 may then become emotionally exclusive toward the child and — often unconsciously — expect the child to meet his or her emotional or practical needs. This can lead to unhealthy dependency dynamics and severe loyalty conflicts in children.

In order to work with the Loekemeijer Method, intrinsic motivation and self-reflection are required from all participants. Therefore, before guidance or coaching begins, a careful assessment is made to determine whether this approach is suitable and whether the necessary foundation for the process is present.

Are you going through a complex divorce and/or dealing with a narcissistic (ex-)partner or parental alienation? Do you feel like you are doing everything wrong, not making good choices, and no longer know what to do? And do you feel empty, exhausted, and always alert? I know what you are going through. Do you want to regain your strength and increase your resilience? I can lovingly and constructively guide you through this process, so that you can regain your strength. 

Consequences of complex divorce 

One of the consequences of a broken destructive relationship—in which one or both parents are stagnant—is that the ex-partners end up in a complex divorce, also known as a conflictual divorce or acrimonious divorce. Some characteristics of a complex divorce are: 

• unilateral ex-partner violence 
• contact between these parents is severely disrupted or severed 
• mediation offers no solution and causes further trauma 
• the intimate terror continues through the courts, financially, on social media, and via children/family/friends 
• stalking (physically or via app/email) 
• use of threats and physical violence 

Characteristics when children are involved: 

• parents cannot reach agreements about the children 
• mediation and other parental mediation processes do not offer a solution and cause further trauma 
• parentification 
• parental alienation 
• false accusations of parental alienation 

The professionals involved often fail to recognize the hidden pattern of violence and therefore often – wrongly – assume that both parents have good intentions and that “where two quarrel, both are to blame.” If this is the case, this attitude perpetuates unilateral ex-partner violence and child abuse. In order to reach a mutual agreement in the best interests of the children, both parents need to be intrinsically motivated. 

Parental alienation 

Parental alienation is a form of emotional child abuse in which a child rejects one or both parents, often under the influence of the other parent, a stepparent, or another family member. This places the child in a severe loyalty conflict.

From an attachment perspective, parental alienation may be connected to emotional exclusivity and disturbed attachment dynamics. Out of loyalty, fear, or emotional dependency, a child may reject one parent — and with that, reject a part of themselves.

This process often begins long before the relationship officially ends.

Some characteristics of parental alienation: 

• psychological and/or physical abuse of one parent by the other parent in front of the children 
• disqualifying, humiliating, ridiculing, excluding, and denigrating the other parent 
• undermining parental authority 

This leads to a conflict of loyalty in the children. Out of loyalty/fear, the child rejects one parent, and with that, a part of themselves. 

Parents who experience parental alienation find it extremely difficult. They go through a grieving process for their child, who is alive but has been banished from their lives. Even if there is regular contact between the rejected parent and the child, this parent may still be rejected. For example, this parent may not be allowed to ‘interfere’ in the child’s upbringing, may be denied information about the child, etc. 

Challenges and goals I can support you with 

• Self-care 
• How to communicate with your ex-partner 
• Learning to deal with your child’s complex behavior 
• How to be there for your child 
• How to deal with professionals involved 
• Learning to deal with triggers and breaking unhelpful behavior patterns 
• Experiencing more self-control and resilience 
• Balancing/regulating emotions 
• Dealing with anxiety and compulsive behavior 
• Increasing resilience and self-reliance 
• Preparing for difficult conversations (e.g., with your ex-partner, involved professionals, mediation, court hearings) 
• Exploring whether guidance according to the Loekemeijer Method is appropriate for your situation